FRENCH FOOTBALL

FRENCH FOOTBALL IS S**T

Due to being such a lucky man - to reach the dizzy heights of being married for 25 years on August the 9th; I decided to take the wife and bike on holiday

Provence was the destination: yes there’s a big mountain there called the Ventoux - which was planned for the Fri – we went on the Wed.  There was no real celebration back home; I mean was I lucky or unlucky to reach the magic 25?  We were the only couple out of both families to get there, the father in law gave us 2, and I reminded him with glee.  She wanted Dubrovnik, nah no football I thought, so Provence it was.  I had to pay £80 to take the bike and £130 for the wife. 

I asked my eldest son in July when does the French football season start, he was adamant it was the first week in August.  I’d been to Marseille -  Nimes shit team, ah Lyon, only 3 hours away, nah Chelsea might get them in the champs league, dad he shouted, St Etienne are home to Nancy, who’s she I said , no AS Nancy dumbo he shouted, cheeky git.

Now all footie fans in their 40’s have heard of St Etienne the football team and the band by the same name.  I remember Man who playing them in the 70’ in Plymouth - due to a European ban, there had been crowd trouble in France during the first leg.  Michel Platini once played for them

Anyway St Etienne it was on the Saturday night, only a 2.5 hours drive away, I tried to get tickets on the web but couldn’t, you must have a French address, anyway my usually trusting brother assured me they wouldn’t sell out!

On a day out in Orange reading L’equipe (French sports paper) yes I know looking at the pictures, I noticed an advertisement in the corner of one page: Arls Avignon - Nantes Vendredi 20.00, ah tomorrow I thought, a huge grin swept across my face, we wanted to go to Avignon, ‘what’s up’ she said – we’ll go to Avignon tomorrow I said,’ yes ok ‘she agreed, mug I thought.

Off we went lovely day hot as f**k, doing the tourist bit, hey I’m sure there’s a game here tonight fancy, yes why not, 25 years she is very understanding.10 euro home fans 5 euro away easy decision, now Nantes merely 10 years ago where in the champs league - one of the best footballer ever played for them Marcel Desailly - but they remind me of Leeds (not as dirty) a club fallen on hard times, they had around a 100 fans there, 7 hours by car or train, they liked my tattoo - ah Aston villa one shouted, no Pays de Galles I replied.   They looked at me like-what the f**k are you doing here anyway. One day we will be free of France they ranted - we are Bretons, we were on the same wavelength then.

It was poor fare, one player for Avignon had glowing orange boots, I bet you he’s shit I said, he was kalou – Ngog in disguise.

Avignon are a small club -  I think in the shadow of Marseille, most of their fans wore their clothing, Nantes fans had banners and sang all the game, the game was like a conference standard – honest. 0-0, oh well there always tomorrow.

St Etienne was a shit hole- it stank.  Beggars in the street, reminded me of Hull, nothing going for it. Got to the ticket office - the girl said with a wry smile no tickets: game complete, the wife looked at me, never mind 25 years - I had 25 seconds to sort this out

We’re from Nancy I said in a fluent welsh – French accent.   Off we went 10euro away fans 20-30-40 euro home fans - Tommie’s tours never let you down.   The reason why the ground was full was due to one end being re-built, anyway again shit game, poor standard, great fans, infact - both set of fans were noisy.  Again the tattoo ‘ah West Ham’ ‘no Pays de Galles’, ‘ah one day Lorraine - our region will be free of France’?

St Etienne scored in the last minute: At  last a goal, one point; the Nantes players the previous evening had given their shirts to the fans - the Nancy players didn’t.  Well it’s only 4 hours!, we were locked in 80’ style -  cops with rifles, then taken to the compound to get the bus, I’m on holiday I pleaded , bws, bws they shouted , holiday Pays de Galles I retorted. Eventually one copper realized I wasn’t a Nancy fan.

Two games shit standard - but you can’t have everything, great fans cheap tickets.  I fancy Montpellier next.

Tommie Collins